QWK KCKS is our way of helping you get your day started with a refreshing blast of football culture right in your face.

PHOTO: NOTHING SAYS “AMERICA” LIKE AN ENGLISH SOCCER TEAM
This is Kayla, the Crystal Palace mascot. (AP PHOTO)

REPORTS INDICATE EMILE HESKEY STILL DISAPPOINTINGLY CORPOREAL
Michael Owen may actually be a subversive piece of performance art. // The FCF

NEXT UP: THE SHOCKING RETURN OF MATEJA KEZMAN
Andriy Shevchenko wants to come back to Chelsea. // Dirty Tackle

IF ONLY WE HAD A STRIKER CALLED “PATTON”
Michael Bradley is tearing it up in Italy, earning some awesome martial nicknames,and possibly single-handedly rebuilding America’s reputation in Italy post-Snooki. // San Francisco Chronicle

SOON TO COME: OUR FIVE FAVORITE SLIDESHOWS THIS WEEK
The boys at Bleacher Report run down the dozen best penalty takers in the Premier League in their favored style. // B/R

PHOTO: SO WHAT IF IT’S A YEAR OLD?
Andriy Arshavin is wearing a hat. If you don’t understand why this is hilarious, we can’t be friends anymore. (AP PHOTO)

THERE’S MORE THAN ONE REASON THEY CALL HIM CAPTAIN AMERICA. YOU KNOW, EXCEPT WHEN THEY GET IT WRONG AND CALL LANDON THAT.
Carlos Bocanegra has superhero abs. // Kickette

I HAVE A RUSSIAN PHRASEBOOK, A COACH TICKET TO HEATHROW, AND THE ADDRESS OF A QUALITY HABERDASHER.
I will get the most epic photoshoot of Andriy Arshavin ever done, or die trying. To be the first to know either way, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook.