Somewhere on the Siberian plain, a giant played an elf in a charity football match, and it wasn’t just a bunch of D&D fanatics role-playing. This is what looked like.

At seven feet tall, Nikoloai Valuev is beyond massive. Okay, so he only played in net, but he might be the largest human being ever to play the sport, goalkeeper or otherwise. I think if he put his arms out, he could touch both posts at the same time with his head bumping the crossbar.

Meanwhile, Arshavin still shops in the Boys’ section and looks like he should be hiding in a glen somewhere waiting to stop unsuspecting princesses so he can grant them wishes or steal their life force or something. I’m pretty sure that his surreal Q&A sessions are just a smokescreen to throw people off of his magical trail.

Let’s hope Nickolai put Andrei on his shoulders and paraded through the crowd during the postgame celebrations. And let’s hope Andrei started calling himself “Master” and Nikolai “Blaster”, and that the crowd started chanting “MASTER BLASTER! MASTER BLASTER!”

Now that would raise some money for charity.